Lessons Learned In Week 12

Prior to the start of the season I made the following statements in a Facebook comment:

“How can the Denver Broncos, with a 17-member running back by committee rushing attack, no pass rush for the first six weeks, and a defensive backfield older than Methuselah, be considered serious Super Bowl contenders?”

...and...

“The AFC team we should be talking about is the Houston Texans. They have a suffocating defense, brilliant running game, one of the best receivers in football, and the Ravens and Buccaneers have proven you can win the Super Bowl with two of those things and a mediocre quarterback.”

Oops. That’s the last time I make comments on Facebook.

….

Anyone seen the Green Bay defense? Anyone? Bueller?

Is it just me, or does no one actually want to win the NFC North?

Seriously Houston, even the 0-16 Lions looked better than you look right now.

Colin Kapernick decided to grace us with his presence Monday night in Washington. Apparently he also stashed RG3 in whatever cave he was previously hiding in.

Please oh please oh please tell me that was the Saints team that plans to show up in Seattle next Monday night.

Ladies and gentlemen, this week’s inductee into the Calvin Johnson Imitators Club, Josh Gordon. Congratulations Josh, your awesomeness has likely won you four more years in Cleveland. Perhaps “won” is the wrong word.

Where did those Cardinals come from?

Where did the Colts go?

Geno Smith is doing absolutely nothing to make Jets fans forget about Mark Sanchez, is he.

Tom Brady loves him some Wes Welker. Probably for differently reasons now than he used to.

Peyton Manning hates him some Wes Welker. Did you see his face on the sideline after that punt debacle? Welker better hope Manning has a really short memory.

Lessons Learned in Week 10

Congratulations to the 2008 Detroit Lions! The record of your historic ineptitude remains intact for one more season. Pop some champagne.

Is it me, or are the Rams better without Sam Bradford?

Who kidnapped Colin Kapernick? Maybe Jim Harbaugh should just pay the ransom to get him back.

If the Eagles could play every game on the road against something called a Scott Tolzien, they might actually have a chance. 

Seriously, what are we supposed to make of the NFC East? The first place team is at best, mediocre, getting lit up for 600 yards and 40 first downs Sunday night. The second place team can only win on the road. The third place team—arguably the team playing the best football of the four—loses to a team previously winless in the continental United States. And the fourth place team—the team that started 0-6—is only two games out of first place?

The Bengals fight back to tie the game on a last second twice-tipped Hail Mary in the end zone, only to lose the game on a field goal in overtime. Those are the Bengals we know and love.

Even hobbled by what turns out to be a high ankle sprain the Peyton-droid hung four touchdowns on the Chargers Sunday afternoon. The Chiefs better hope he doesn’t also remember Wes Welker still plays for him.

Note to Case Keenum: There’s nothing in the rule book requiring you to attempt a 40-yard gain on every 

passing play. A little bit of patience could have made you a winner.

Lions sweep the season series from the Bears. Felines defeat canines. My dogs disapprove.

Lessons Learned in Week 9

The November unemployment numbers were increased by two over the weekend. Michael Vick and Matt Schaub picked up their SNAP cards Monday morning.

What is a Case Keenum? And why do I have to ask this question about somebody new every single week? Is it too much to ask for a little consistency at the quarterback position?

Nick Foles = Peyton Manning. Get him while he’s hot.

Bad week to be a coach. Bad day to be a Packers fan.

Will the real New York Jets please stand up?

The Chiefs are the phoniest 9-0 team in the history of 9-0 teams? When they beat somebody with a winning record (and I’m not talking about squeaking past the Cowboys in Week 2), then we can talk about respecting their record.

Tom Brady loves him some Gronk. And some Amendola. And some Aaron Dobson. And some Kenbrell Thompkins. There’s a lot of love going around in New England right now.

While Optimus took the week off, Andre Johnson and T.Y.  Hilton duked it out for the moniker of Rodimus Prime. (Old School reference, you might have to look it up.)

Who resurrected Jason Campbell? And why didn’t that happen sooner?

Note to the Seattle Seahawks; it’s easier to win games if you bother to show up BEFORE halftime. It would also make my Sundays less angst-ridden and more enjoyable.

When did the Atlanta Falcons become the Jacksonville Jaguars? They are depressingly terrible. They’re like the Bucs, only with players people recognize.

And speaking of terrible, enough with the Thursday Night Football already! The teams are tired, the games are awful, and, it’s on Thursday night, which is stupid. Football is for Sunday, and Monday, and Saturday during the playoffs. Please, leave Thursday night for other things.

Lessons Learned in Week 8

Three days in Gary will make you forget everything you learned in Week 7. (Sorry about that.)

Sometimes it takes a few quarters to warm up the Peyton-droid. But once he’s up and running….

Note to the Dallas Cowboys defense; NFL games last 60 minutes, not 59 minutes and 48 seconds.

Matt Barkley is bad. Really bad. Terrible. How terrible is he? He's so awful, he thought he played well. 

Quick, name the Green Bay Packers second and third receivers. It’s okay, Aaron Rodgers can’t either. He simply refers to them as touchdowns three and four.

What is a Marvin Jones? And what has he done with A.J. Green?

What happened to “Steeler Defense?” A 93-yard touchdown run by a quarterback?

There’s a saying I’ve heard thrown around, something to the effect of, “You dance with the girl who brought you.” On the final drive of the night the St. Louis Rams deployed what felt like an infinite barrage of running plays into a disturbingly porous Seattle defense, relentlessly marching them all the way to the Seahawks 2-yard-line. Then, for absolutely no understandable reason, the Rams decided to throw the ball, to no one in particular, handing Seattle their seventh victory. You dumped Michelle Rodriguez for a dance with Taylor Swift and ended up crying alone in the corner. Oops.

Calvin Johnson is mis-monikered. There’s nothing deceptive about him. He is exactly what we think he is. Megatron was a scheming, loud-mouthed, cowardly, incompetent braggart, and the worst field general in the history of cartoon field generals. Calvin Johnson is big, strong, fast, quiet, dependable, the best receiver of his generation. Megatron he is not. He is Optimus Prime.

A Draft In The Room

Seated at a large conference table flanked by highlighters, sheets of paper, a half-empty beer can and a pizza-stained napkin or three, I pondered my next move.  Still need a Flex-D, haven't taken a TE yet, what to do, what to do...

"Tony Gonzalez"

Some murmurs went around the room, as Gonzalez was still available in Rd. 14, but such are the realities of an eight team IDP league:  Good players are available in late rounds.  

I had spent approximately 90 minutes preparing for the draft in the preceding 72 hours, mainly identifying who was injured, suspended, out of the league, or incarcerated.   The remaining time was spent searching for a free IDP cheat sheet that wasn't six weeks old and verifying my draft strategy with my Director of Pro Player Personnel (DP3) Jon. After reviewing all the  recovering injured "star" players and holdouts, we assessed there were six blue chippers in the draft with no real health or team related issues (i.e. new coaching staff, banged up O-line, injuries at other positions, being on the same roster with Mark Sanchez). The lucky couple picking seventh and eighth would still get a good player, but hopefully I was not going to be one of those people.  

I was indeed one of those people.  I drew the "lucky"seven on draft night and murmured curse words.   We (Jon and I) figured the top six would be Rodgers, Brees, Brady, Rice, Foster, McCoy (not necessarily in that order).  Should any of those fall, that's who I would be taking, but I wasn't going to hold my breath. My backup plan was Cam Newton (whom I didn't think would get through RD1), and then anybody's guess in Round 2.  

Lo and behold, LeSean McCoy fell to seventh overall due to an Eli Manning call a couple picks earlier.    I was able to snag Cam Newton in RD2 due to a proxy drafter's instruction to "get Alex Smith" if at all possible.   I was largely satisfied with the rest of my draft, despite missing out on Jimmy Graham by one pick (which started a run on TEs), and miscounting how many offensive flex positions we could have on the active roster.  Oh, well, you can never have too many RB's, can you?  

There are a few ground rules for my drafts.  Never draft a kicker before the last round, don't draft anyone on Minnesota, Dallas or New England (strangely, this only applies to offenses - I can overlook the rivalry/sphincter factor for a defensive player) and avoid overvaluing your favorite team's players.  Being a dog owner, I can't draft Michael Vick, and I probably would have passed on Tom Brady in Rd. 1 had he been available for no other reason than he broke up with Bridget Moynihan.    

Other guidelines I employ:  If you need a defensive player in the later rounds, look for a good player on a bad team - their defensive is going to be on the field a lot.  Since every pick after Rd. 14 is basically crapshoot anyway, make decisions between players based on who has the fun name ("Everybody, have fun tonight.  Everybody, Patrick Chung tonight"), or who went to your favorite college.  I try to pick a former Badger each year, but in this draft another UW backer beat me to them.  I also pay no attention to bye weeks when drafting, which allows for clearer thinking on draft night at the expense of finding six players to plug into your roster in Week 9.

So, three weeks into the season, where did this get me?  Nowhere very good, nowhere very bad.  The Eli Manning pick I silently ridiculed kicked my fanny in Week 1 and someone else's in Week 2 before coming down to earth in Week 3.  I struggled to find a Flex D over the past two weeks who could score in double digits. Is making five tackles too much to ask from a professional NFL linebacker?  Apparently it is, at least from the guys I was starting.   

So in Week 3, my defense if finally hitting on all cylinders while my opponent has AJ Green (whom I could not have told you who he played for prior to today) and his @#$ 40 points.  Thankfully, my 14th round selection Tony Gonzalez came to play today with 26 pts. Frank Gore did not, as he tossed up a nickel, or looked at another way, one less than my starting d-lineman.  

I can still pull out a victory, however, but it involves Wes Welker and a stomach virus so I'm not terribly optimistic.  Petyon Manning completing passes to Demaryius Thomas would help, too.  

Life is a fantasy, indeed.

Vince Wilfork rumbles.

Maybe I'm cranky because the Redskins are 2-0, but in my opinion, this is the best moment from the season so far. Love to watch a big man run.

Okay, we haven't been to diligent on updating the blog (looking at my fellow bloggers and also in the mirror) but the first few weeks of football have provided much to digest and comment on.

Packers: This could be a season of shoot 'em out football, as the Packers have given up prodigious yardage the first two weeks while still finding ways to win (hint: it helps to have an absurd amount of talent on offense). A week two injury to Ryan Pickett is didn't help, especially since Mike "don't call me Justin" Neal is out for "a significant number of weeks(!)" and the next man up is CJ Wilson and...anybody's guess. Thankfully, the injury was minor, but the creeping anxiety remains.

Bills: Shut down the Bills! 3 and 0! This team reminds me of the 1989 Packers - an unheralded quarterback (Ryan Fitzpatrick starring as Don Majkowski), a talented but underachieving running back showing flashes of brilliance (Fred Jackson as Brent Fullwood), a budding star receiver (Stevie Johnson as Sterling Sharpe), and a fan base with low expectations. The week 3 win over the Patriots got notice for both style and substance. Ride the wave, Bills fans!

Bears: Things necessary to make a Mike Martz offense work: Multiple threats at the receiver position. Solid O-line. The Chicago NFL franchise exhibited none of these in week 3, although that Charlie Brown & Lucy punt play was brilliant. I completely forgot Roy Williams was on the Bears roster for the better part of two quarters, and am completely flummoxed by their offseason personnel decisions. Yes, Roy Williams is an upgrade of some degree, but he was available for a reason and the Bears other receivers aren't exactly stepping up their game either. Sit back, folks, it's going to be a circus in Chicago.

Fantasy update: Glad I didn't draft Jamaal Charles and Arian Foster. Made up for it by drafting Dallas Clark and Frank Gore. Refused to draft Shonn "The Petticoat" Greene (good move) and made fun of Mark for drafting Wes Welker (really bad move, the making-fun-of part), who scored 64 fantasy point by himself last week. Frank Gore scored two, but could have posted three had he made the free throw. Have not started the right QB for the first three weeks. Cam Newton runs into a typhoon (literally) and scores 33% of the points Matt riding-the-bench Schaub does. Blast!

More later!