Legends and Losers

The Big Ten+2 debuted its new logo and division names today. In a much-ballyhooed announcement on the Big Ten+2 Network, Commissioner Jim Delany proclaimed the arrival of the "Legends" and "Leaders" conference divisions while managing to keep a straight face. I was not privy to the proceedings, but would have bet the over on the number of reporters thinking, "No, seriously, what are the division names?"

I have a pretty good idea of what happened. After hours of unproductive debate that extended way past lunch, someone (probably the Michigan State rep who is still peeved about going to the Capital One Bowl) unseriously suggested the aforementioned Legends/Leaders names to make the less pedestrian monikers seem more appealing. Commissioner Delany, deluded by hunger, said, "Hey....that's not bad" and the whole thing spun out of control while the guy who originated the suggestion got that watching-your-car-roll-down-the-hill-into-the-lake feeling.

For what it's worth, the Legends Division consists of Iowa, Michigan State, Michigan, Minnesota, Nebraska and Northwestern, while the Leaders Division will host Wisconsin, Ohio State, Indiana, Illinois, Purdue and Penn State. Also announced today were a full slate of conference awards/trophies named after various Big Ten greats. The entire list can be found here.

But back to the gripe at hand. Legends and Leaders? Really? This is the best that duly appointed representatives from 12 distinguished colleges could come up with? Imagine the joy of actually coming in last in the Leaders division and the punch lines that follow. Of course, putting newcomer Nebraska in the Big Ten Legends division is rank with irony, too.

The message boards on other lesser sports blogs are rife with division name suggestions, such as the Woody and Bo divisions; East and West; North and South; Big and Ten; Corn and Wheat; Pig and Skin; and, my personal favorite, the New Coke and XFL divisions. I make no qualitative assessments of these suggestions other than to say they certainly aren't any worse.

My own preference would be for something from the history of the game - maybe the Drop Kick and Flanker divisions, or the Gridiron and Single Wing divisions. I suspect the Big Ten+2 is not going to adopt my suggestions, however, as this would involve reordering the letterhead.

Go Badgers - take that Big Ten+2 Legends Division title!

Clark Sez:

Actual Clark Kellogg quotes from tonight's Bucks-Pacers game:

On Bucks PF Larry Sanders: "He pursues that pumpkin with vigor"

On a Pacer's fast break: "Rim-running, we call it"

To borrow a line from Norman Chad, I'm not entirely sure we're still talking about basketball.

This Just In...

To the surprise of absolutely no one, Stephen Jackson has just been ejected from Bobcats-Bucks game for unnecessary verbage.

Given that the Bucks do not have the services of Andrew Bogut, Corey Maggette, Drew Gooden, Carlos Delfino and Michael Redd tonight, this at least gives the game a whiff of competitiveness. On the plus side for Milwaukee, they do get Chris Douglas-Roberts (CDR me ASAP) back tonight. On the debit side, their offensive game is atrocious, with a league low 41% fg on the season. Thank god they're playing defense this year.

More details as events warrant.

Tuesday Morning Quarterbacking

Well, it's been happier in the Mark/Kristina house since both the Cowboys and the Irish started winning. For what it's worth, the Irish are now bowl-eligible (whether or not a team with 6 wins should be eligible for a bowl is a topic for another day), and they seem to have found a winning quarterback with Tommy Rees.

Let's discuss the NFC East a little. Surprisingly, the Giants are the LEAST entertaining team in that division this year. They win, they lose, whatever. But the other three . . . wow. The Cowboys have turned around from being absolutely abysmal under Wade Phillips, to winning convincingly and impressively, under Jason Garrett, in the last two weeks. Now here's what I don't understand. Jason Garrett was the offensive coordinator prior to becoming the interim head-coach. So he was calling the offensive plays when the Cowboys were sucking (and make no mistake about it: the offensive coaching DID suck for their first eight games). And Garrett is still play-calling, but now they're winning. Does anyone else find that suspicious? I hate to accuse the guy of shenanigans, but is it possible he was purposefully (or even sub-consciously) sabotaging the Cowboys' offense in order to get rid of Wade? I don't know, but it seems a bit hinky to me.

Thankfully, the Redskins are doing their best to make everyone look good. I'm truly surprised Shanahan had a job after being trounced, embarrassed and murdalized by the Eagles two weeks ago. One would think, after a 59-28 loss to a division rival AT HOME, the Redskins would come out against against the Titans in a RAGE, raring to go, and furious to recover their good (?) name. Instead, they trickled to a sparse 19-16 win in overtime against a team without an actual quarterback. And they looked as lame and lackluster as they had against the Eagles. Knowing Dan Snyder as I do (we're like THIS), I don't think Mike Shanahan can count on much of a future with the Redskins.

So, how about them Eagles, eh? I'm not an Eagles fan by any stretch of the imagination, but even I have to admit, they are absolutely AMAZING to watch these days. The defense is solid, as usual, but the offense is absolutely explosive. And it's pretty much all due to the reinvention of Michael Vick as an elite quarterback. And I have to say, I couldn't be happier. I'm going to wax a bit rhapsodic, because I really feel like it's deserved here. Look, I have two dogs, that I love like my children. I hate what Vick did, and I thought he absolutely deserved to go to prison for it. But I also believe in second chances. When Vick came out of prison, and started working with the ASPCA, and making amends for what he'd done, I wanted him to succeed, because I want to believe that people can learn from their mistakes, and grow from them. And then he became the starting quarterback this year (mostly through default and injury), and I haven't stopped being impressed with the person Vick seems to have become. He seems humbled, and truly willing to work to become a better person. It's not just that his interviews, either. Vick is a completely different quarterback. The Vick who started in Atlanta had poor mechanics, was undisciplined, inaccurate, and too quick to run. The Vick starting in Philadelphia thinks the plays through, checks down to all his receivers, and tries to make the play on with his arm (11 passing TDs in seven games), rather than his feet. Not that there's anything wrong with his feet (five rushing TDs is nothing to sniff at).

The lesson to be learned here, is, change does not come overnight, and neither does redemption (take note, Ben Roethslisberger). Vick lost everything: his job, his money, his friends and his freedom, and he deserved every bit of it. But rather than come out of prison and go right back to being proud, surrounding himself with the same bad influences, and making the same bad choices, he's decided to be contrite and humble, and change his life. I really hope it's true, and permanent. I love a second chance made good.

Well. That was a lot of love. Now for some snark:
Sure, Richard Seymour should not have slapped Ben Roethlisberger. But as someone who's often wanted to slap Big Ben, I was not-so-secretly pleased.
Will Miami ever find a quarterback? Will he be as fragile as a glass menagerie? Will his name also be Chad? Stay tuned for the exciting answers to these questions (yeah, probably not . . . I don't really care about the 'Fins).
I love the Cowboys, but the Lions were, again, killed by a bad ruling. Note to the refs: tackling by hair-pull is legal. Check your books.
Why won't someone just humor me, and beat the Jets? They're really not that good, people. Get on it!
The annual Pats/Colts showdown was every bit as good as billed. Too bad Peyton felt the need to channel Favre and throw a pick at the end.
Mark has Phillip Rivers on his fantasy team, and needed 70 points from him to win. Rivers only got 4 touchdowns and 233 yards passing (25 points). It's like he wasn't even trying!

And that was week 11. See you after week 12. Enjoy the glut of turkey and mashed potatoes!

The Crap Line

It's a phenomenon I've stumbled across in my adult life when purchasing various used goods. Houses, computers, guitars and other sundry items on the market all fall on one side or the other of the titular Crap Line, the financial demarcation between a solid item with little-to-no issues and the somewhat serviceable unit with a few "buts" in the description.

*

In the world of sports, the Crap Line (CL) concept manifests itself in many different ways. Each professional draft has a retroactively-assigned CL. For the 2000 NBA draft, which featured lottery picks Stromile Swift, Chris Mihm, and DerMarr Johnson, the CL was actually between the first and second selections.

Sabremetricians have quantified the CL in the form of the VORP (Value over Replacement Player) statistic, which I understand in theory but not in mathematics. Essentially, it defines the contributions of a player above the available replacement at his position. Other times, it comes down to a matter of feel and impression. What is the QB rating CL for a starting NFL quarterback? What about rebounds for a starting NBA power forward? Assists for a Point Guard? Batting average for a #3 hitter?

Take an NBA starting-quality shooting guard, for example. We're not talking Wade or Tyreke Evans, but a solid not-to-be embarrassed-by shooting guard. Since the job description implies "shooting" which by extension means scoring, what is an acceptable PPG? I've always placed this number at 14. 14 ppg sounds respectable for this position. 13 sounds like a 10 ppg guy who's having a good year, but 14 is just a layup away from 16 a night and some significant free agent offers.

Some players are the actual embodiment of the CL, the physical boundary between playoff competence and can't-we-do-better(?). Put simply, if a team is within sniffing distance of a decent playoff run, what position does it look to upgrade? If its your position, you may be on the wrong side of the Crap Line.

Since we've discussed the NBA already, here is the 2010 NBA CL Starting-But-Maybe-They-Shouldn't-Be Team:

Point Guard: Sebastian Telfair - T-Wolves. The oft-travelled 'Bassy is a prime example of the CL boundary. Good backup, questionable starter, serviceable-if-undersized pro point guard.

Shooting Guard: Vince Carter-Magic. Averages the near perfect 13.9 ppg, and shows periodic interest in passing, rebounding, or defense.

Small Forward: Udonis Haslem - Heat. The Zeppo Marx of the Miami Heat.

Power Forward: Hakim Warrick - Suns. I'd call him the Tim Thomas of the 2010's, but I do like Warrick, and no one forced that contract on him.

Center: Anderson Varejao - Cavaliers. Probably a better forward than a center, and probably a better backup than a starter.

Castles Made of Sand...

Three years ago I remember sitting in front of my television, shaking my head in disbelief at the discussion going on between NBA draft prognosticators.  "Greg Oden is the real deal!  This guy is a franchise cornerstone!  The Blazers would have to be out of their minds to take Kevin Durant over this guy!"  Oops.

I don't get to say this very often - especially about basketball - but, I told you so.  Well, not you, but my television and my dogs at least.  I couldn't understand why people thought a 275-pound dude with a 50-year-old face and tooth-picks for legs was the heir-apparent to Shaquille O'Neal.  Three years, 82 games (of a possible 248) and about $12 million later, Portland announced this morning that Oden will have his third micro-fracture surgery in three years, and miss the rest of the season.  Again.  It's like Grant Hill all over again.

The NHL is changing the way it selects the all-star teams.  The pool of players will still be chosen in the usual manner.  But then two captains will be chosen from the pool, and those players will be responsible for picking their teammates.  Like street hockey.  (Or pond hockey, if you're from Manitoba, like me.)  On a professional level.  I love this idea.  At first I thought well, the obvious choices for captain are Crosby and Ovechkin.  Then I read some thing that changed my mind.  One sports writer suggested only one of them be chosen captain.  Then we'd get to see if one would actually pick the other.  What if Ryan Miller is a captain?  Does he pick Crosby?  Would Crosby pick his own goaltender, or a good one?  Is it physically possible for Daniel Sedin and Hendrik Sedin to play on different teams?  Seriously, everybody should do this.  The NBA for example.  Kobe and D-Wade for captains.  Does Kobe pick LeBron?  Who's mister irrelevant?  Shaq?  Does Kobe pick him, then sit him on the bench?  You want drama?  I give you drama.

Oh, and a note to Todd Haley.  You coach professional football.  These aren't kids anymore, they're grown-ass men.  If you don't like the other guy running up the score, stop him from scoring.  Period.  

Hindsight is 30-30

I never thought I'd include the Knickerbockers in two consecutive posts, but I never thought Kevin Love would have a 20-20 game, much less a 30-30 evening. He joins an exclusive club populated by a lot of first-name-only members (Kareem, Moses, Wilt). Most 30-30's occurred in a different statistical era (more on that later) with the most recent being when "E.T" was in a theater near you.

In today's NBA, some teams don't pull down thirty rebounds in an entire evening. In fact, Love outrebounded three different franchises last night. The Knicks, for their part, recorded 43 rebounds in the contest versus 56 for the T-Wolves.

So how did this happen? Well, since rebounds are a function of missed shots, poor shooting would be the prime suspect. Both teams obliged, with the Knicks shooting 38% to the T-Wolves 43% and tossing up a LOT of shots in the process. The NBA averaged 82 shots/game for 2009-2010 season - the Knicks chucked up 92 shots last night while the Wolves attempted 101. It also helps to be playing a banged up Knicks team without a real center and a foul-laden Amar'e Stoudamire.

What is truly amazing about Love's performance is that he achieved it in this era. During the 50s and 60s, thirty-thirty games happened at least a half-dozen times or so a season, mostly by some guy named Wilt. From 1969 through 1979 the phenomenon tapered off to a two-or-three-a-year-if-at-all occurrence. Teams shot a lot more in the pre-Watergate era. In 1970-1971, the NBA averaged 99 shots per game compared to 82 last year on 45 & 46% shooting, respectively. In case you were wondering (and even if you weren't,) 1970-1971's 30-30 games were recorded by Willis Reed and Elvin Hayes.

So a big tip of the cap to Kevin Love. I projected him on draft day as being somewhat along the lines of the next Tom Gugliotta. Or Chris Mihm. If you'd have asked me before the season what player (forward or center) could grab 30 boards in a game, Kevin Love would have been pretty far down the list (Top 3: Dwight Howard, David Lee, Joachim Noah. Last 3: Anderson Varejao, Charlie Villaneuva, Troy Murphy.) I'm not ready to crown him the second coming of Kevin McHale or even Bill Laimbeer, but kudos to Mr. Love for a career night.

Too Sad to Write

You may (or may not) have noticed that I have had very little to say about sports in the last month or so. This is because my beloved Cowboys and Irish are so bad, I can barely drag myself out of bed in the morning. The stink is so profound, it's put a layer of funk on all sports for me right now. I'm in recovery, though. Teams come and go. Season records wax and wane. This too shall pass (I hope). I'm even planning a spectacular Favre-Jets-NFL-pretty girls smackdown. It will undoubtedly be epic and awesome, as long as I finish before Saturday/Sunday, when my boys will undoubtedly depress me all over again.

In the Knick of Time

The Milwaukee Bucks are playing the New York Knickerbockers tonight. This in itself is not really noteworthy as it happens several times a year, but as I pondered the matchups I realized I could name exactly as many people on the Knicks roster (Amare Stoudemire) as on their broadcast team (Walt "Clyde" Frazier.)

UPDATE: After half a quarter, I can safely say that Raymond Felton is also a Knick, but the other three guys on the floor are still a mystery. I just heard the name Ton(e)y Douglas, but he may be the trainer. Updates as events warrant.

The Knicks have come under some criticism in recent years for player personnel decisions, much in the same way Lindsay Lohan has been criticized for her leisure time activities. The proud franchise of Monroe, Reed and Bradley became the NBA Superfund site for bad contracts with Isaiah Thomas as its chief administrator. Thankfully, Thomas later went on to a successful career in the mortgage industry.

THIS JUST IN: Ronny Turiaf is also a Knick. So is someone named Chandler, but I'm not sure if its Tyson Chandler, Wilson Chandler, Wes Chandler or Chandler Bing.

Back to the rant: Yes, its easy (reallllllly easy) to pick on Isaiah Thomas' tenure with the Knicks. Not-shooting-fish-in-barrel easy, more like standing-near-a-barrel easy. Having Eddy Curry and Stephon "Starbury" Marbury on the same roster should have given someone, anyone, pause, but apparently the theory two negatives make a positives (and, by extension, a whole butt-load of negatives makes even more positives) held sway at Madison Square Garden (which is a round building with no garden of any kind). Steve Francis, anyone? Tim Thomas, Quentin Richardson? Zach Randolph? Jerome James? Lottery-protect that draft pick traded in the Eddy Curry transaction? Nah, not necessary.

UPDATE: It is indeed Wilson Chandler, and I've been informed that Wes Chandler retired in the 1980s from the San Diego Chargers.

So...the roster has been blown up, and the Knicks have a lot of unfamiliar names and draft picks getting a ton of playing time. Mike D'Antoni will assure an uptempo entertaining game featuring very little defense. Buy your programs!

Fair to Midling

This weekend marked the midway point of the NFL season.  I know, football is half over and it's killing me.  So, what have we learned.

Well, Sunday was a bad day to be a Cowboy.  Real bad.  The Green Bay Packers utterly embarrassed the Dallas Cowboys 45-7, on a balmy November evening at Lambeau Field.  And that score does not accurately reflect just how awful Dallas was.  It was as if the entire team just got up to get some nachos halfway through the first quarter and never bothered coming back.  The (lack of) effort was epitomized by Dallas cornerback Michael Jenkins displaying his best Deion Sanders impression in obviously and deliberately avoiding any attempt to tackle Greg Jennings on his way into the end zone.  Like most other observers, I don't understand what's with this team.  I have a couple theories, most involving too many Cowboys stars reading their own pre-season press clippings and believing their own hype, but I can't say anything for certain.  Well, except for the fact that I don't think firing Wade Phillips - as happened Monday afternoon - and replacing him with the offensive coordinator who orchestrated a grand total of seven points Sunday night, will do much to right the ship.  I think the Cowboys are at the point were they seriously need to look at firing some players.  I'd like to suggest starting with Terrence Newman and Michael Jenkins.

As bad as it was to be a Cowboy, it was worse to be Randy Moss.  After publicly insulting a Minneapolis restaurant owner providing lunch to the team, then professing his undying love to his former Patriots teammates after stinking up the joint against New England last Monday night, Moss found himself on the waiver wire Tuesday morning, and on an airplane to Tennessee by Thursday night.  In case you're counting, that makes three different teams and two Hall-of-Fame quarterbacks in five weeks.  Anybody remember when this guys was just really good at playing football?

Over the past three games, the Cleveland Browns have defeated two Super Bowl champions and gave a third a run for its money.  Last week the Saints went down in flames as Drew Brees threw two interceptions to the same linebacker for 12 points against.  Sunday afternoon it was Tom Brady's turn.  Brady, and ten other guys named Moe, could muster on 14 points against a Cleveland team that posted 34 of them, and did it with guys named Peyton Hillis, Chansi Stuckey and Colt McCoy.  Seriously.  Chansi.  Oh, and how stupid must the Denver Broncos feel at this point?  They traded a running back that cannot be tackled, for a quarterback they don't even want warming their bench.  Oddly enough, that probably isn't the dumbest thing Josh McDaniels had done since taking over as head coach.

I realize I'm probably the only person east of Boise that cares about this, but how can the Seattle Seahawks continue to be so terrible?  Less than five years ago this teams was getting screwed out of a Super Bowl victory by some of the worst officiating in the history of officiating.  What happened?  How do you go from a 12-4 record and four consecutive NFC championships to getting torched by a total of 74-10 by the Raiders and Giants over the course of two weeks?  I understand it can get a little dreary out there, but come on.  They get forty feet of snow in New England, and that doesn't seem to bother them.  Get it together!

While we're discussing atrocious football teams, how can the Chicago Bears still be leading their division?  The only thing that team does well is throw interceptions and fumble the football.  I guess it helps that they beat the Lions on a stupid technicality and survived a Buffalo Bills home game in Toronto (what?).  If someone had told you at the start of the season that by week nine, the Colts and Bears would have the same record, you would have shipped them off to Siberia.  Yet, here we are.

I don't think these words have been uttered since 1984, but right now, the Oakland Raiders might be playing the most exciting football in the league.  With a quarterback nobody wanted, receivers nobody's heard of, and a defense nobody respects, they are a half game out of first place in a completely upside-down AFC West.  Not too shabby.

Speaking of a quarterback nobody wants, how about those Washington Redskins, huh?  Look, I don't know that I care that Mike Shanahan benched Donovan McNabb last week.  He's the coach, so I guess he can make whatever personel decision he wants to.  But I can't help but question the wisdom of benching a four-time conference champion, six-time pro bowler and Super Bowl quarterback, and replacing him with one Rex Grossman - who promptly turned the ball over the Ndamukong Suh for the game-sealing touchdown.  Then, to make things worse, Shanahan delivered no fewer than three different - and let's be honest, bogus - explanations as to why he did so.  Rumor has it that Shanahan the lesser does not now feel and has never felt that McNabb is suited to the offense he wants to run.  Hmm.  If that's the case, perhaps the Shanahans should have spent millions of dollars recruiting someone other than the guy they apparently never wanted.  I guess the statement is true; Washington really doesn't work.

Finally, to all the NFL fans in London and around the United Kingdom.  On behalf of all of us here in America, I apologize for saddling you with the San Fransisco 49ers and Denver Broncos.  I swear we can do better than that.  Hope fully next year we'll send you something interesting.  Like maybe the Bengals and the Lions, or something like that.  Kidding.  Just messing with you.

Big News in Cleveland

This just in...Mo Williams has returned to Cavaliers practice after being slowed by a groin injury for much of the preseason.

I'm sure Cavs fans are relieved (actually, I'm not sure, but we'll give them the benefit of the doubt), but more finding-the-toaster-oven-undamaged-in-the-scorched-remains-of-your-house relieved than Chilean-miner relieved.

Long season ahead, Cavs fans.

Quarters

If you need evidence that this is the most bizarre NFL season in recent memory, consider this statistic.  This is the first time in 40 years (since 1970) that there has been no 4-0 team in the National Football League.


We are just past the quarter point of what is shaping up to be a most interesting season.  Of all the teams we were supposed to be impressed with, only three, (if you count the Steelers) are living up to expectations.  The Ravens, Jets and Steelers are the only pre-season favorites playing championship quality football.  The Packers, Vikings, Cowboys, Saints, 49ers, Chargers and Colts all look like junior varsity at this point in the season.  More on them later.  I'd like to start with a couple of pleasant surprises.


The Kansas City Chiefs are 3-1, the last undefeated team to fall.  Of those three wins, two came against pre-season playoff favorites, and the loss came against Peyton Manning's Colts.  The Chiefs are very young and are bound to make mistakes as the season progresses.  But at this point they are the class of the AFC West.  Name two people that thought that would be the case four weeks ago.


This might sound like an odd this to say, but if you're looking for exciting football, tune into the Detroit Lions.  The Lions are playing their best football in decades, and are just three plays and one ridiculous rule away from being 5-0.  This may not be their year, but they are not the doormats of the division anymore.  Especially if the other three teams continue to play the way they are.


And now for the disappointments.


Unlike the Lions who probably should be undefeated, the Green Bay Packers are three plays away from being 0-5.  The offense, which blew people out last year and in the pre-season, seems utterly unable to put the ball in the end zone.  Part of that is probably due to the fact that over the last three games Green Bay has almost as many penalties as first downs.  It almost seems as though the offense is incapable of advancing the ball without holding or interfereing with or personally fouling somebody.  Add to that the injuries to the team's number one scorer, Jermichael Finley, starting running back Ryan Grant, the league's most feared pass rusher Clay Matthews, and now a concussion to Aaron Rodgers and we might be looking at the cellar dwellers of the Norris.  I can't express how disappointing that would be to at least two of the three contributors to this blog.


Almost as depressing has been the play of the New Orleans Saints.  The defending Super Bowl champs look more than a little hung over from all those Bourbon Street parties.  The offense just can't get anything going, and the defense just can't get off the field.  This is a team that routinely thrashed opposing defenses for 30-plus points last season.  But now, instead of throwing touchdowns, Brees is tossing interceptions and Saints' running backs have started putting the ball on the ground.  A formerly opportunistic defense can't get their hands on the football, and don't even get me started on the kick return team.  New Orleans is now in third place in their division.  Third place in the NFC South does not get you to the playoffs.


I understand that the San Diego Chargers always start the season losing games they're expected to win, but this is ridiculous.  While they destroyed the Jaguars and Cardinals, the Chargers have been handily defeated by the rebuilding Chiefs, perpetually pathetic Raiders and Leon Washington.  Not one of those teams got close to the playoffs last season, and two of them are division opponents.  Don't get me wrong, the only reason my fantasy team is even competitive is because Philip Rivers has to throw for 500 yards in a comeback attempt every week. But I'm sure the Chargers are probably more interested in winning real games rather than my fantasy ones.  Then again, maybe they aren't.  It's difficult to tell right now.


It used to be that the first serious conversation we needed to have about the Indianapolis Colts was whether or not they would rest their starters instead of attempting to finish the season undefeated.  This season the conversation is about just how pedestrian this team seems to be.  The offense has failed to score at will, (held to only 19 points by the Chiefs) and the defense might as well not bother taking the field.  For some reason it seems to be taking a little longer for the Manning mojo to kick into gear this years.  More importantly, nobody is afraid of them anymore.


The same might be said about the Cowboys.  (Yes, between Dallas and Green Bay it's been kind of a low-key season at my house.)  Tony Romo, Jason Witten, Miles Austin and Felix Jones have combined for a grand total of one, count 'em, one victory.  This is the year Jerryworld hosts the Super Bowl and prior to the start of the season Jones publically stated his ambition to make it a home game.  The odds of that are about as high as Jessica Simpson and Tony Romo getting back together.


I'm not even going to mention the Bengals.  I'm just not.  It's too pathetic.


What the heck is up with the San Fransisco 49ers?  They were easily everybody's pick to win the weakest division in football.  Ironically, even sitting at 0-5 that isn't out of the realm of possibility.  But come on, no wins and five losses?  In five games?  Every single game of which you could easily have won?  Wow.  I'm pretty sure no team in league history has gone on to accomplish anything of note after an 0-5 start.  This group probably won't be any different.


Finally, I know they weren't expected to compete for a championship or anything, but are the Chicago Bears not the absolute worst 4-1 team in the history of 4-1 teams?  This team has given up enough sacks and thrown enough interceptions to fill out the stat sheets of three teams for the entire year.  Even in victory this past Sunday Todd Collins completed four passes to opposing defensive backs and linebackers.  And he was supposed to be an improvement over Jay Cutler in terms of ball security.  I guess as long as they continue to get lucky playing worthless opponents who prefer to committing penalties to scoring touchdowns they can continue to win.  But you have to believe that eventually luck like that runs out, doesn't it?  Doesn't it?

The Numbers Game

A fun game to play among die-hard sports fan. Have someone (preferably a disinterested third party) pick 10 numbers between 1 and 100 and note the first player that comes to mind:

27: Derrick May - Cubs outfielder in the 1990's who looked like Tarzan but hit like Jane. The strapping son of Major Leaguer Carlos May, he was always touted on his potential. I'm still waiting.

4: Paul Molitor - Its amazing what Favre as a Viking has done to my mind, no disrespect to Mr. Molitor.

83: John Jefferson - The other underutilized half of the early 1980's most potent receiving tandem. Between JJ and Lofton, the Packers could pretty well score on anybody. As long as the O-Line gave the statuesque Lynn Dickey time to throw. And there was some semblance of a running game. And as long the O-Line gave Dickey time to throw. Did I mention the suspect O-line and immobile quarterback?

66: Ray Nitschke: 14 years in the NFL. 5 Championships. Intimidator.

18: Richie Hebner - Spent his last active season with the Cubs in 1984. Always liked him.

43: Jack Sikma: The Bucks center quest continued in the 1980s with Sikma. After the retirement of Bob Lanier, the Bucks quickly realized the limitations of Alton Lister and Randy Breuer. Sikma arrived with his drop step and blond perm and became the best 3 point shooting center in the NBA. I'm still not sure how I feel about that last part, because while innovative, it didn't get them any farther in the playoffs.

91: Justin Harrell: Oof. This one hurts.

36: Leroy Butler I always felt he was both underrated and overrated as a player, if that is possible. Made the most out of playing in an top-notch defense and being one of Madden's favorites. Was the first to do the Lambeau Leap. Also, he was always available for comment. And still is.

77: Mike Butler: The best defensive lineman on some bad 1970's Packer teams. Also had a mustache.

32: Brian Winters: Had to think about this one for a bit. His retired number hangs from the Bradley Center rafters. Magic Johnson came to mind soon after, except I always get confused between him and Kareem with the whole 32/33 jersey number.

The Irish Experience, pt. 2

My Gameday began in a line of cars heading to the White Field on the north side of campus. After we parked a bit of tailgating was the next item of business -my gracious host Ric mixed a restorative while I cracked open a beer. We were well outfitted for the game having picked up lunch on the way and Ric had thoughtfully brought a supply of pretzels. The weather was brisk, and the extra layer my wife had insisted I take along was much appreciated. Bits of sun teased us through the cloud cover as we finished our luncheon in the rapidly filling parking meadow. Law enforcement officials patrolled for underage drinkers as we finished our second perfectly legal cocktail. It was now time to head for the stadium.

Sidebar observation #1: When you go to a game at the Notre Dame Stadium, you are very much On Campus. This is especially apparent when approaching from the north, where the White Field-to-Stadium trek can charitably be described as lengthy. You are in Notre Dame Indiana in every sense of the word, with little to no intrusion from the surrounding city of South Bend. The journey to UW's Camp Randall (College Football Town Hall of Fame Charter Member) and Indiana University's Memorial Stadium (Good access from parking lot) is a very different experience.

The trek to the Stadium was bracing but pleasant - the ND campus is beautiful by anyone's definition. Notre Dame parlays tradition by the boatload (and not undeservedly) and fans of both persuasions carried a noticeable sense of pilgrimage. Ours took us to the Edmund P. Joyce Athletic and Convocation Center, officially known as the Joyce Center but commonly referred to as the ACC. Beer was to be found within, and we partook of a pint in the officially designated area. It was here we parked ourselves at a table and chatted with some other attendees. One couple were longtime South Bend residents who followed ND football for years. Another gentleman was in town on a business trip and brought his son along so he could see Notre Dame.

After we finished our beer, there was still plenty of time before kickoff so we made a circuit around the stadium. The gates are named for legendary Irish coaches - Leahy, Holtz, etc... I asked Ric where the Gerry Foust gate was. He was pretty sure they hadn't gotten around to him yet. We entered through the Rockne gate and made our way up to row 54.

Notre Dame Stadium was built in 1930 and renovated in the mid-1990s. During the renovation the original stadium was encircled in new construction, adding twenty thousand seats, a new press box and a host of other updates. The game program ($10) touted the renovated Stadium "now qualifies as one of the most up-to-date" in the nation. The game program is full of crap. Seating pitch and width in the original section is still state-of-the-art Hoover administration. You're quite intimate with your neighbors at an Irish game, and just as familiar with kneecaps from the row behind. Gentlemen's washroom (at least the one I visited) is by trough.

It was alumni marching band day and the sidelines were bursting with over 1,000 musical personnel. As a band veteran myself, I paid particular attention to the band's activities. The halftime performance and in-game music were well done.

Sidebar Observation #2: While watching the occasional Irish game on TV, I kept hearing the marching band performing a bit of music to pump up the crowd. I asked an ND band alum what it was, and she responded that it was a Celtic-ish fanfare and asked if I was familiar with the accompanying student-section choreography. When I replied in the negative, she prefaced her demonstration with, "It's pretty lame" and did this. Now, I am the absolute last person who should arbitrate a cool/lame debate, but I must say I find this more appealing.

The actual football game saw a crisp Stanford team take apart an overwhelmed Irish squad. The late John Robinson's quote summed up the game perfectly: "Well, we didn't block real good, but we made up for it by not tackling." Other miscues involved passes thrown to the other team or open tracts of grass, and receivers not looking the football. It was not a good performance by the Irish this day.

During the break between the 3rd and 4th quarters the obligatory drive-safe announcement came over the PA as a hush fell over the crowd. The fans' silence had me scanning the field for an Ara Parseghian-level VIP, but I soon realized the reverence was for the actual announcement. Ric informed me that the announcement has been done by the same state trooper for many years and that he performs an original message live for each game. It was met with a rousing ovation.

We bailed with about three minutes left in the game and were joined by many subdued fans for the walk back to the car. We located the automobile after a brief search (try and find a specific silver-gray sedan in a field of roughly a thousand cars with only an access road, a row of porta-johns and two trees as landmarks. It ain't easy.) We listened to the post-game report with Mirko Jurkovic on the way home.

I had a great time. Thanks, Ric!

Nickname Crisis

The Packers debuted the Quinn Johnson/John Kuhn backfield this evening. NFL rules require a nickname (Thunder and Lightning, Slash and Dash, to name a few) so here goes:

Chocolate & Thunder

Marble Rye

Blockade Runners

Slow and Slower

Brick House

Quinn Kong

Open to suggestions.

The Irish Experience

In just three hours, I will embark on the Notre Dame gameday experience. A friend called yesterday with an extra ticket, and with pleasant weather on tap and no real commitments I gladly accepted the honor.

In the interest of full disclosure, I am, at best, ND Football ambivalent. Being born and raised in Badger football country where expectations are tempered by painfully realistic assesments of talent and opponents and there is no such thing as a bad bowl game, the Notre Dame football culture is very different.

For many ND faithful the expectations are for a National Championship or at the very least a BCS Bowl Game. A "down" season of 8-4 or 7-5 (which Badger fans would have killed for in the late 1980s) gets the coaching seat mildly uncomfortable.

High expectations often lead to impressive results and confidence is an admirable quality, but I can't help but think back to Bucky's three Rose Bowl seasons where they were the Rodney Dangerfield of the Big Ten. ESPN's Craig James proclaimed UW's 1998 team the "worst team to ever pay in a Rose Bowl" just prior its 38-31 victory over a Cade McNown-led UCLA team. (Note to Chicago Bears: Cade McNown got outplayed by Mike Samuel in the biggest game of his college career. It's called an omen.) Everyone loves an underdog, and it a measure of a great team in how it faces adversity.

So I am going for the full-pull of ND football: Tailgating, the campus experience and post game hoo-hah. My previous college football experiences include Michigan at UW in 1993 where a couple of students received severe injuries when the fans stormed the field (I was seated two sections over, thank god), Wash St.-ND in the early 2000s, and UW-IU in Bloomington last year, which was a bunch of fun and a great atmosphere in a mid-major setting, kind of college football-lite.

More on this later.

I Love Being Right

As Mark pointed out below, the Eagles have decided to start Michael Vick next week, even after all the "Kevin Kolb is our starting quarterback no matter what!" posturing.

Here's the story.

Did I mention how I love being right?

Week 2... in Review

All right.  Week 2 of the NFL season is in the books.  So, what did we learn this week?


Denver is a tough place to play football.  And it has nothing to do with the altitude.  Broncos wide receiver Kenny McKinley became the third Bronco to die in the past four years.  I intentionally avoided the term “pass away,” because passing away implies some sort of peace and acceptance of fate.  There was nothing peaceful about any of these incidents.  Darrent Williams was shot to death in a drive-by, Damien Nash was struck with a heart attack after a basketball game, and McKinley died of what appears to be a self-inflicted gunshot wound to the head.  I’ll be the first to admit, I have a difficult time understanding what drives a professional athlete in the prime of his life with so much to live for to take his own life.  But I do know a little bit about feelings of depression, and I understand that the inability of too many men to talk to anyone – let alone someone they trust and care for – about how they feel and what they are experiencing, only serves to make a bad situation worse.  There is nothing wrong with or “weak” about admitting to someone that something is wrong and seeking out help to deal with it.  We should never have to hear another wife or mother say, “…we had no idea anything was wrong.”

Perhaps, just maybe, Brett Favre should have gone to training camp.  Watching the Vikings lose first to New Orleans and now Miami, it’s painfully obvious that the quarterback and the receivers simply aren’t on the same page.  They’re still trying to work out timing issues they could have worked out in the two months of practice prior to the start of the season, if only they had all been at those practice sessions.  I know there are still 14 games to play, but Minnesota already shares the Norris division cellar with the Detroit, and if they can’t work out the kinks in the next couple weeks, they will be looking at a lost season.  Oh, and by the way, has anyone seen Adrian Peterson?

The Detroit Lions are fun to watch.  They wouldn’t know how to win if victory beat them over the head with a stick, but they’re fun to watch.  Jahvid Best is the most entertaining Lion since Barry Sanders (no, I’m not comparing the two), and Ndamukong Suh and Kyle Vanden Bosch are having a helluva good time turning offensive linemen and quarterbacks into pancakes.  When this team finally figures out how to stop beating themselves, they might be a force in this league.

For a lesson in how to win a football game, see the Houston Texans defeat of the Redskins on Sunday afternoon.  Down 17 points at the end of the third quarter they finally took the diapers off, put on the pull-ups and fought back to beat Washington in overtime.  The Texans of 2009 would have lost that game.  One might call that progress.

But all is not well in the Lone Star State.  There’s really no delicate way to put this.  Right now, the Dallas Cowboys suck.  They can’t run, they can’t catch, they can’t cover, they can’t tackle, and they certainly can’t block.  They’ve had more penalties called on them in two games than there are silicone implants in the state of Texas.  And the worst part is that it’s costing them $160 million in salary to be winless and miserable.  I really don’t know what happened.  Marion Barber looks like he’s running in molasses and Felix Jones looks like LenDale White prior to giving up tequila and sugary snacks.  The offensive linemen physically cannot stop themselves from holding opposing defensive players, and Roy Williams seems to have soaked his hands in WD40.  To be fair, the Cowboys haven’t been able to cover anybody since Deion Sanders left town for Washington.  But that didn’t matter when they were putting up 30 points per game.  All of a sudden it’s a big freakin’ deal.  Fortunately for Dallas, no one in their division is significantly better than they are, so they still have a chance to right the ship.  But they might have to throw some people overboard in order to do it.

If I had told you two weeks ago that at this point, the Seattle Seahawks would be the class of the NFC West, you would have stuffed me with a dozen maple bars and sent me packing.  Oops.  Don’t get me wrong, it’s not pretty.  They’re not in first place because they’re any good.  They’re in first place because everyone else is just that bad.  It might as well be them and three Xerox copies of the Cleveland Browns.

The Baltimore Ravens offense is as depressing as it’s defense is impressive.  Oddly enough, the same can be said for two of the three other teams in the division.  AFC North football isn’t pretty either, but NOBODY wants to play the Steelers, Ravens or Bengals defenses.  Man it feels weird to mention defense and Bengals in the same sentence.

What a difference a week makes.  Ten days ago, Tom Brady lit up Cincinnati for 30 plus points.  This past Sunday the Patriots crumbled before the almighty Sanchez and his Revis-less Jets.  Some – my wife in particular – blame the loss on Brady’s ridiculous prepubescent haircut.  If not for a pathetic performance by an (almost) all rookie New England secondary I might be inclined to agree.  Is it time to consider the notion that perhaps Bill Belichick might not be the genius we’ve cracked him up to be?

How’s that “Man-genius” mantle working out for Eric Mangini in Cleveland?

Late last year, after Jake Delhomme continued to insist on completing passes to opposing defensive backs, John Fox benched him in favor of some dude from Oregon State named Matt Moore.  In the final four games of the season, against three absolutely worthless opponents and New Orleans’ third string defense, Moore put up some respectable numbers.  Instead of understanding that production for what it was and pursuing a real quarterback in the off-season, John Fox decided he had found his quarterback of the future and handed Moore the keys to the offense, which Matt Moore promptly crashed into a tree.  Over the course of two games, Moore has three times as many turnovers as touchdowns.  In fact, for every four completed passes he’s either turned the ball over or been sacked three times.  That’s JaMarcus Russell territory people.  Next Sunday Jimmy Claussen will get his chance to continue to ruin Steve Smith’s career.

Kudos to the Dallas Cowboys medical staff refusing to allow Jason Whitten to re-enter the game after he suffered what appeared to be a concussion.  It takes guts to stick to your guns and keep a superstar on the sidelines in a big game for his own good when you know both the player and the owner care more about winning the game than correctly treating a head injury.  Jeers to Brandon Jacobs for throwing his helmet six rows into the stands Monday night and bitching about the fan not wanting to give it back.  Next time you want to throw your helmet, make sure your head is in it.

And finally, despite what management is trying to project, there is indeed a quarterback controversy in Philadelphia.  Since Andy Reid shipped McNabb off to Maryland and handed the job to Kevin Kolb, Kolb has managed to fall behind to the Packers and rattle his brain against his skull.  Stepping in to relieve him, Michael Vick (yes, that Michael Vick) lead a near comeback against Green Bay and orchestrated 35-points and a victory against Detroit this past Sunday.  Following the Eagles win, Reid stated he was returning the started job to Kolb for next Sunday.  About 24-hours later he reversed himself, now saying Vick will start instead.  I’ll wager two more waffles before game time on Sunday.

Mule or Ox, Same Difference

This theme of this week's football seems to have been stubbornness. My personal favorite (because it's funny, not because it was fun to watch) was the mulish devotion to kicking from the Bengals. Mike Nugent kicked FIVE field goals in their win over the Ravens (okay, maybe the Bengals weren't so much "being stubborn", as "unable to score").

The award for individual stubbornness coming back to bite a player in the butt has to go to Brett Favre. Brett continued to do his now-rote"will-I or won't-I retire" dance, in a shameless ploy to avoid training camp. At first, I argued in his favor. He's Brett Favre. Why on earth does he need to go to training camp? What could he possibly learn. Turns out, he might have learned how to handle the football. In two games, Favre has turned the ball over FIVE times, including one terrible fumble in his own endzone. And let's not forget the innumerable missed passes. Favre hasn't been playing like a Hall of Fame quarterback, he's been playing like a rookie who missed training camp.

Sure, there can be a positive side to being stubborn. Halfway through the third quarter, Houston was down to the Redskins 27 to 10. For most teams, that would be the end of it. Unless you're the Colts, or you're playing the Browns, most teams can't come back from three scores down. But the Texans stuck with it, buckled down, and scored 13 unanswered points to win in overtime. It's possible the Texans just might be for real (a Dallas/Houston Super Bowl would be this Texas girl's greatest dream come true).

But sometimes stubborn coaches lose games, too. As I've pointed out before, no one can lose like the Lions. This week was no exception. However, unlike last week, where they were robbed by the application of a ridiculous rule, this week they managed to lose through shockingly bad coaching. Imagine: The Lions are down 11 points, with 12 minutes left. They're at the 29 yard line. It's third down and a yard. Instead of letting the highly-accurate kicker take the field goal that THEY NEED ANYWAY, they stubbornly decide to go for it on fourth down, running the exact same play that had gained them no yards on third down. So now they're still behind by 11 points, and they've turned it over on downs.

Fastforward. It's the last two minutes of the game. Against all odds, the Lions have scored twice (including one two point conversion), held the Eagles to three and out, and have MIRACULOUSLY recovered an onside kick. The score is 35-32. There is 1:50 left in the game, and only 55 yards to the endzone. Instead of taking things careful and precise, like a logical and reasonable person might do, the Lions stubbornly decide to have a back up quarterback bomb it down the field twice, and miss two easy short passes, in less than 24 seconds, to once again turn the ball over on downs, and lose the game by a heartbreaking three points. Stubborn, and stupid.

And for yet another stubborn coaching decision, Andy Reid, coach of the Eagles, has decided to bench Michael Vick, who, despite what you might think of him personally, played an amazing game of football against the Lions (284 yds, 2 TDs, no turnovers) and had a pretty good game against the Packers the week before (even though the Eagles lost). Reid has given no explanation as to why he's benching a winning quarterback for the unproven Kevin Kolb. Maybe the stubborn is catching?

Badgering the witness

I watched the second half of the Wisconsin-Arizona St. game with a mixture of faint hope and impending dread. It was the perfect storm for the Badgers, who in their best seasons struggle against athletic opponents. The UW squad was playing against type by using the pass to loosen things up for the run, which historically has resulted in gaudy passing stats and few victories.

The Sun Devils athleticism was blatantly evident on special teams, where anything less than a kick-return touchdown was considered a victory for Bucky. An egregious end zone pass interference non-call coupled with a thirty-nine inch margin between the Sun Devils and twelve additional points gave the UW faithful palpitations on this national TV afternoon.

And yet, faced with an ASU team armed with Badger kryponite, the Badgers won the game. They stared down a team of bad matchups and found a way to win. Beleaguered special team units rose to the occasion when it mattered most, backups performed competently and, most importantly, they won a game they had every opportunity to lose.

The injury-riddled team that played today is not Rose Bowl bound, but this battered unit that won gives hope for healthier times against better opponents. We'll see what unfolds in Big Ten(11 soon to be 12) play.

We Deliver

Emerging in the midst of Clinton Portis' commentary about parcel inspection is news that Reggie Bush is returning his Heisman Trophy.

Whenever I hear about awards being returned, victories vacated or other retroactive reprimands, I wonder: What actually happens? In the case of Bush's Heisman, will it be delivered in person, or will he just ship it? Fedex or UPS? Regular Next Day or First Morning Delivery? Does he have to include the original packaging? Did it come in a too-tight box with Styrofoam clamshells and a desiccant package, or was it cocooned in bubble wrap and the ubiquitous foam pellets?

Back to Clinton Portis (like I could let that one go with just reference), his comments are yet another example that athletic prowess does not necessarily make you qualified to comment on other aspects of society (see also Reggie White and the Wisconsin State Legislature) or even your own profession. Women are going to be in the locker room-deal with it. Think it if you have to, but don't say it. Into a microphone. Being held by a working member of the media.

For reference.

This is what Tom Brady used to look like.




















And here's his Justin Bieber hair.




























I don't even know what to say.

The Moral of the Story

So, what did we learn from this opening week of football?

There are some teams which I am convinced are never going to learn how to be good. The Raiders can lose with any quarterback, and the Browns have the magical ability to squeak out a loss, even when it seems they might be able to win.

Speaking of pulling defeat from the hands of victory, the Lions just can't buy a win. Literally. No matter how many first round draft picks they get, and overpay, they invariably pick the wrong quarterback or receiver, or whatever. Yeah, I know, there was a bad call at the end, and Calvin Johnson was certainly robbed of a touchdown by a really bad rule, but they shouldn't have been in that position in the first place. The Bears just aren't that good.

It's possible, I admit, that I'm disgruntled with the Lions in large part because I hate Jay Cutler. I don't have a good reason, I guess, but I've always thought he was a whiny baby, who acted like a complete ass his last year in Denver, and I deeply want him to fail. The stupid Lions robbed me of that this week.

The Steelers and the Falcons should never be allowed to play again. That had to have been the most boring game I've ever watched. Or rather, NOT watched (thank God for Sunday Ticket).

Not boring, but also not GOOD, was the comedy of errors between the Carolina Panthers and the New York Football Giants. I don't remember ever seeing so much bumbling and fumbling. NINE turnovers. Matt Moore has as many turnovers (5) as games started. I'd be more amused if the Panthers weren't holding Steve Smith, an exciting and dynamic receiver, hostage to these increasingly terrible quarterbacks.

On the plus side, I was so happy to see the Seahawks win, even though Matt Hasselbeck freaked me out by throwing a pick on the first play of the game. And of course, even though it was a nail-biter, it always makes me happy to watch New Orleans win. The Packers won a surprisingly great game. The Texans pulled off a shocking upset, largely thanks to RB Arian Foster (Who? Had anyone heard of this guy before yesterday?). And Tom Brady let us all know that despite the baby mama drama, the pampered life, and Justin Bieber hair, when he picks up a football, he's still got that Tom Brady magic.

I need to remember the positives, so I don't forget that I still love football, even when the Cowboys end the day by breaking my heart. Let us never speak of this again.

So the moral of the story is, no matter what you think you knew about football from last year, and no matter what happens in the pre-season, anything can happen on any given Sunday (Thursday, Monday, and occasionally Saturday).

A Fan Speaks

Actual transcript from a conversation with a Michigan fan going to today's Wolverine-Irish game. We were in line at Taco Bell.
Me: How's your squad look this year?
Him: (brief pause) Sh*t.
Me: Oh...
Him: Yeah. Spread offense. (Shakes his head) Sh*t.
Me: Well...hope it dries off for you today.
Him: Thanks.

Lost in Translation

With a full slate of games on tap this opening weekend we here at 4FC would be remiss if we did not prepare our loyal readers (both of you) for the impending onslaught of pro football vernacular.

As broadcasters retool the English language whilst describing a skinny post or cross body block, other bits of verbage are presented as accepted football metaphor. We are not talking about John Madden's flights of onomatopoetic fancy but instead the sly phrase casually snuck into game commentary that seemingly indicates an "insider's" perspective. Meanings are often not readily apparent and at times seem counterintuitve and euphemistic. If the preceding was hard to read, imagine what it's like to listen to.

The following are actual game-spoken terms and phrases from NFL broadcast professionals:

"He's got game speed" Translation = Slow. This is usually reserved for players with other marketable talents who don't have a good 40 time. Fast runners with marginal football skills stand a better chance at making a roster than the other way around.

"Possession Receiver" Slow with good hands. This usually applies to assignment-sure route runners who can catch but can't run away from anyone, including the back judge. Really, isn't any receiving job by definition about possession? If your team's best wideout carries the "possession receiver" label, feel free to make vacation plans during the playoffs.

"You know what he is? A football player" Slow, and devoid of any other measurables that separate him from the pack but still manages to make a roster. Usually applied to to effort-and-heart type players, "throwback" players, (coming up shortly) and undersized personnel. Also used with the terms "intangibles" and "moxie".

"Student of the game" This can go two ways- 1) Smart, but not a great player/athlete. OR 2) A superlative piled on after having run out of other descriptors. "That Peyton Manning is such a student of the game."

"Can stretch the field" Fast, but can't catch. Often found on the Raiders' roster.

"Throwback" 1) High threshold of pain. OR 2) Physical bordering-on-dirty player.

"H-Back" An undersized tight end who lines up in unusual places. A classic example of a 'tweener' who's neither good enough to be a starting tight end or fullback.

"An excellent blocking tight end" A tight end who can't catch.

"An excellent receiving tight end" Tight end sized, but can't block and too slow to be a wideout.

"Kickoff specialist" Strong leg with poor accuracy.

"Prototypical Size for a (insert position here)" Underachiever. Often found on the Raiders roster.

"Speed Merchant" Limited receiving skills and/or marginal route runner. Often found on the Raiders roster.

"Solid Technician" No athletic skills. Also shows up as "knows every trick in the book," and is frequently heard when referring to aging offensive lineman.

And then there's this.

I'm betting that in Ron Artest-land, this is perfectly reasonable.

So, three things

Well, three things and a lizard. Oh. You don't watch Dr. Who? Um, never mind.

Anyway, like I was saying, Notre Dame won its first football game last weekend, and it actually looked fairly purposeful. The running game looked solid (and surprisingly fast--way to go Armando), Dane Crist didn't suck tremendously (did I ever tell you the story of how I met him at Chipotle?), and our kicker can still kick. The defense could have been more defensive, but it was good enough, and I'll take a win where I can get one. I'm not quite ready to crown Brian Kelly yet, but there's a glimmer of hope. Of course, their next game is against Michigan, so I guess we'll see if that glimmer is a fluke or not. It made me so happy, I bought a new Fighting Irish tee shirt.

It's not very charitable of me, but I'm really looking forward to the first time Tim Tebow gets sacked hard. Despite the fact that I'm biased toward the Broncos, because I've been to a Bronco's game, and I have a cute Bronco's tee shirt, I really hate Tebow, for many reasons, including, but not limited, to his hair, his commercials, his crying and his awful throwing mechanics. I don't respect quarterbacks who just coast through on natural talent, and aren't disciplined enough to learn the requisite skills. They rarely succeed, and almost always get into trouble (see, Ryan Leaf, Michael Vick and JaMarcus Russell).

I have a quandary for Sunday. I need to decide whether to wear my new Saints tee shirt, or my new Seahawks tee shirt. On the one hand, I have loved the Saints since the 90s, when they were bad, so I feel that their triumph is my triumph as well. But I did buy the Seahawks shirt at Qwest field, while vacationing in Seattle. Also, I'm kind of a sucker for the underdog, and I'm pretty sure the Seahawks are going to perpetually be underdogs (given their insistence on cutting players like Houshmanzadeh, for no discernible reason other than that he didn't play for USC).

And now for a random lizard. Because I have cable, I am blessed with an abundance of weird sports on the weekends. Mark and I have enjoyed Indian League cricket, women's indoor volleyball, the Stihl Lumberjack competition, and Scottish rugby (which I admit, I enjoyed quite a bit more than Mark. Two words: short shorts). This last week, we watched Rally Deutchland, which makes NASCAR look like 8-year-olds playing tiddleywinks. The roads have random (and often terrible) surfaces, skinny, curvy and sprinkled with hazards like vineyards, concrete curbs and pedestrians. And they careen down those ugly roads SO fast for three days straight. It is pretty much the coolest car racing I've ever seen. I've rarely been envious of a sport before, but I would give my left foot to be a rally driver. Except I'd probably need that foot to clutch.

Last Minute Lamentations

Okay, so I'm not going to lament anything.  I just like the alliteration.


Football starts in two days people.  Two days!  My final preseason thoughts are as follows:


I'm not ashamed to admit it.  For the past two years I have been completely and utterly wrong about Aaron Rodgers.  Yes, last year he had a nasty little habit of holding on to the football a little too long, but his pre-season play would seem to indicate he's cured himself of that.  Rodgers is every bit the gunslinger Brett Favre was, once upon a time.  He doesn't have Sterling Sharpe or Robert Brooks to throw to, but that doesn't seem to matter.  He manages to make do with guys named Greg and Donald, and even somebody named Jermichael.  I've heard at least one analyst predict a Packers / Ravens Super Bowl.  I don't know about the Ravens, but the odds on the Packers might be pretty good.


A couple days after being dumped by the Cardinals, Matt Leinart claims he is "very happy" to be the third string quarterback for the Houston Texans.  Umm, yeeeaaahhh.  Matt Leinart is lying.  Matt Leinart may be "very happy" to be employed, but he is certainly not "very happy" to be the third string quarterback for the Houston Texans.  Leinart is a Heisman Trophy winner, and for two glorious years he was king of Los Angeles.  Duke of Harris County just doesn't have the same ring to it.


Speaking of Heisman Trophy winners, rumor is that Reggie Bush may no longer be one.  Reports are that the Heisman committee has voted to strip Bush of the 2005 trophy after an investigation revealed he was in fact ineligible to play for USC that season.  Something about agents and improper gifts and things like that.  Is it me, or was USC a cesspool of athletic corruption for the first ten years of this century?  No wonder Pete Carroll caught the first train out of town he could find.


The Seattle Seahawks have opted to pay wide receiver T.J. Houshmanzadeh 7 million dollars to play for the Baltimore Ravens this year.  A sound business decision I'm sure.  For Baltimore.  Not only do the Ravens get Who's-yo-mama for nothing, they get to spend the seven million they would have spent on T.J. on something more fulfilling.  Dance lessons for Ray Lewis perhaps.  


The Rams have named first overall draft pick Sam Bradford their starting quarterback.  I think David Carr's rookie season sack record may be in jeopardy.


In a radio interview early this week, Randy Moss told listeners that he feels "unwanted" by the Patriots.  Moss is entering the final year of his contract and New England has yet to offer him an extension.  Relax Randy.  It's not that they don't want you.  They just don't want to pay you.  And it's not just you, they don't want to pay anybody.  That's how the system works in New England.  You give them everything you've got and they trade you to the Raiders.  Seriously, Tom Brady won three Super Bowls in four years for the Patriots and they STILL haven't paid him.  It's okay though.  I hear the Bengals will take any aging receiver and pay them millions, whether they actually play or not.


Finally, there's been plenty of talk over the past couple weeks about the worst NFL draft pick in history.  At the top of nearly everyone's list was Ryan Leaf.  Yes, you all remember Ryan Leaf.  And since you remember Ryan Leaf, you know why he is widely considered the worst draft pick in history.  But I'd like to argue for someone else.  I'd like to nominate one JaMarcus Russell, formerly of the Oakland Raiders.  Sure, Leaf's statistics are abysmal; only 25 games played (21 of those started), 14 touchdowns against 36 interceptions, a 48% completion percentage and a quarterback rating of 50.0.  But Russell's stats are almost as pathetic; 18 touchdowns to 23 interceptions, a 52% completion percentage, a quarterback rating of 65.2 and 15 lost fumbles.  But what sets Russell apart was his contract.  Russell was signed to a 68 million dollar contract, 31.5 million of which was guaranteed.  That was double the total contract and just short of TRIPLE the money guaranteed to Ryan Leaf.  Dollar for dollar, JaMarcus Russell is the biggest bust in draft history.